The past three months have been a…n experience.
Just to have a record of pivotal moments, I want to put in writing a few conversations I’ve had.
Firstly, with L. She pushed me really hard to find my anger. (Recall that she was the one who got me out of the apartment that first weekend) We were talking about work and she asked how I was doing. I went on a rambling babble about my suspicions about what was happening. Her response was unexpected: she swore, she told me she didn’t know what was wrong with me, if I was in denial or what, told me that what was happening was fucked up, that I deserved better. She said that if he doesn’t have the gut-no, the balls- to tell me the truth, then fuck that guy. It struck a chord with me because I had not really seen her react in that way about anything that wasn’t related to organizing the revolution. It struck me in a way that no one had up to that point.
Later that same day, C came and found me because I had been crying (after my talk with L). He caught me in the parking lot and looked me square in the face and warned me that I might get mad but he had something to tell me, the truth. He told me to look at myself. Look at what I’m going through, look at the state I’m in. He asked me if I though A cared about or was even giving a second thought to what I was going through in that moment. He asked me if I thought he cared. He told me that I needed to get out of the toxic environment of my apartment, find my own place and let him go. I just cried. I knew what he was telling me was the truth. It just hurt a lot to think about letting it all just..go.
Las Vegas. Las Vegas was a lot of what I didn’t know I needed. The intense days and evenings. The early mornings. The new setting. The different work. The new people. The responsibility. The friends, new acquaintances and strangers who have become so important to me. Ten days. In ten days, we made real organizing history. In ten days, we built relationships that would have taken years to build, or may never have been considered.
I am so so grateful for the experience. Not only because I was able to take a leadership role in our union. But because I gained invaluable friends, perspective on my own role within out union, and really let go.
Maybe it was being out of Los Angeles. Maybe it was living somewhere new. Maybe it was seeing that there are people to care about and connect with.
One day, not too long after we got to Las Vegas, I was canvassing and I looked around and it was as if blinders had been removed from my eyes. Things looked different. Felt different. I felt light and felt like laughing. I felt like I’d dropped a bag of weight from my shoulders.
I realized that it had been days since I had even thought about wanting to have a righteous, angry conversation with A about how I hadn’t done anything heinous. That I had done everything I could, the best I could to be a good partner and he had fucked up. I realized that I didn’t care. I didn’t have the ganas to have that conversation. There were so many other things I wanted to use that energy for. Positive things. Building. Not tearing down. And the feeling was relief.
I was so relieved to be done. To think of others. To think of myself.