Currently feeling: Sick

Sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick of feeling this way.

So. I found out from A’s mom that he’s been in Mexico since Sunday Oct 9. And he will be there for a few weeks. Then I find out via IG that Ayden is there too. Which just means to me that they are there together.

I wanted to travel with him. I wanted to go to Mexico. To Tulum. But he was sick. He couldn’t even travel to Texas. Or to Arizona. Or to North Carolina. He couldn’t. He couldn’t because he was sick. I didn’t have the flexibility because of my responsibilities at work. Would it have made a difference?

I realize that part of this is the stories that I make up in my head. I don’t know on what terms they are there together. But what I’ve told myself is that she’s fun, adventurous, pretty, outgoing, financially stable – she seems like what he wants.

He told me that he wants to be “alone”. He wants space. From me. But to me, that didn’t mean that he wanted to be with someone else. Especially a specific someone else. Even though he did lie to me about going out with Ori when he went to get dinner with her.

Is that what he meant when he said he didn’t want to do something “terrible” to me?

I also know that I don’t have a right to feel anything about this. And I don’t have a right to call him on any of it. We aren’t together.

But I do hold him responsible for what he said – that he didn’t want to end this aggressively and just cut it all off because that would be easier. Why? Because he cares about me. Because I’m his best friend. Because I’m his favorite person in the world.

It’s difficult to not hold him to what he said.

Because six years of being together, making our way together, building some semblance of a life together, he owes me honesty and consideration.

I am sick of feeling sick to my stomach over him. I am tired of being upset. Of feeling devastated. Cesar is right, I need to let go.

Last night, I was angry. I wanted to throw things, break things. I wanted to hurt. Hurt myself. Make him feel bad. I don’t know what I feel now.

I tried not to be jealous. I tried harder than he could understand. All he saw was when I failed. I felt insecure about her. I tried to get over it. I tried to rise above it by befriending her and telling myself I didn’t have to be suspicious or jealous of every woman out there. And then now? Now, again, I let some man lead me to doubting my own instincts.

Love isn’t enough. Especially when it’s not there.

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