It seems so simple

Dear Andrew,

I am sorry. I never want to hear you speak to me that way. I never want to see you look at me that way. There was anger. There was coldness. A hot anger means passion.  A cold anger scares me. It screams apathy. I understand anger. I do not understand indifference.

It is in times of desperation that my thoughts start to run clear. I am so scared of you being indifferent to me. I want to know that you want and need me. And when I fail to receive those signals from you, I clasp at you harder and faster. Which only serves to have you push me away.

It seems so simple. Fix the problem by choosing to never act that way again. But it’s not that simple. It’s a struggle every day. You only see it when it surfaces. And still only that when it’s around you.

You love me. I need to trust that most of all. I am wanted. I am necessary. I need to trust those too. I need to understand that problems hurt worse when you love, want and need that someone. Because you want them, but it complicates things when you don’t want the bad situation they put you in.

I need to push myself to understand the signals you do send. And be content with them. Satisfied with them.

tbc…

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