I am trying to be better

Two weeks ago, I asked you an important question. I asked you to accompany me to my psychologist. Not for couples’ therapy. Not for you. But for you to be candid with him about me. To help him gain a deeper, more rounded look at my personality, my habits, my issues. I did not know yet whether I would be present while you talked with him or not. That was a risk I took. How difficult it would be to be there and not interject! Or become defensive!

You said yes. I was happy that you said yes right away. That you would do that for me. Take the time off to do this. Granted, it would not be you bearing your soul, but you enlightening him to mine. (too poetic-fix) But it meant a lot to me that you would set time aside for me –  especially in the middle of the week.

I confirmed with you that weekend. And the week after. And several more times since that Wednesday night. So many times that I think you might have been annoyed. I felt annoying. But I wanted the assurance that you would be there. I looked forward to it. Seeing you. Gaining insight. Maybe even getting to have a mediated discussion. On neutral ground. Anyway.

I confirmed, yet again, with you last night.

Then, this afternoon, as your designated “work day” was winding down, I reminded you that the appointment was at 5pm. You asked me if it was too late to cancel it. I was thrown. I could not believe that you waited until NOW, mere hours before, to say that you were not going to make it. I could not believe that this was happening again. You said it would be “really difficult” to make it down but that you would. You said you would “appreciate” it if we could reschedule.

Money-wise? I could not reschedule without a fee. I could book an extra appointment but would end up paying for three sessions in one month instead of two. But all that aside. That does not actually matter to me.

What matters was you going back on the commitment you made to me. It boils down to you being a reliable partner. A dependable friend. You saying you are going to do something and doing it. I know work is demanding. I know this week especially because of elections. But two weeks ago you said you would tell F that you needed the evening off. Two weeks ago, you gave your word you could come through. I am frustrated. I am hurt. I am frustrated and hurt because I have to continue to make these accommodations for your work schedule. You need to drop me for work? No problem. You need to drop (or reschedule) work? No way. I do not feel as if your commitments to me have any weight. I trust you to come through. And you disappoint me and expect me to understand. I do not think you understand. I do not think you see that I really do not ask you for much. But what I do ask you for, you do not or will not give me. I am not trying to make you out as a bad guy. I am trying to be open and honest. You know me. You know how I feel and how upset I could be. But you know what? I will let you do what you need to do. But it is not okay at all.

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