Bad, bad, bad

Sometimes, I visualize bad things happening to me. And worse, I wish that they would happen. I do not want to die. Rarely do I die in these imaginings. They range from fights to car accidents, to violent hold ups, to rapes to serious illness. Is this a cry for attention? Or is it that I feel that my depression, anxiety and overall malaise are not justified? That if something terrible would just happen to me, these feelings would be ok for me to experience.  Or is it that I see how your attention goes to those in need? That when others are experiencing hardship, you feel a sense of urgency. That I never really need you. I just want you.

You said once that you liked that I was strong. I feel that you respect that. Strength, capability, self-reliance.

Do I want weakness more than strength? Which is more important? For me to have your attention, for you to feel that you have to take care of me, be at my side? Or for me to have your respect, for you to feel that I can take care of myself, to want to be at my side, rather than have to be?

I do feel that sometimes I get pushed to the side when there are “more” important and urgent things happening. Things with deadlines. People who have lost their jobs. People who are going through divorces. People who are sick. I can wait. My daily issues that aren’t really anything, they can wait. You’re tired. You’re overworked. You’re stretched thin. Where do I fit in? Do I fit in at all?

The question becomes: would I fit in if something really bad happened to me? If I needed you like they do?

The question becomes: would it be okay to be depressed and anxious and upset if something really bad happened to me?

The question that follows: do you really matter in this equation? Would this be the same no matter who I was talking about? If you were X instead of A? Is it all really just my judgment of myself?

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