sometimes i hate all the feelings i have when i talk to you

why do i feel like youre ashamed of me. we don’t hang out with your friends. you hang out with them, a couple, and “their friend and her husband and their baby” or whatever. and you ignore me. you could probably bring some other girl and no one would fucking know. because no one has ever fucking met me.

you always hang up abruptly. why? are you getting another call from someone more important.

you hang up and don’t care about what the hell i’m going through.

you want understanding but don’t try to give it.

you aren’t interested in my day. i mention something and you don’t care enough to ask about it.

“intense” you don’t like things that are inconvenient for you.

you don’t even care to ask about anything.

i’ll say it again.. i ask questions because you don’t volunteer any information.

a simple heads up helps.

but you can’t even do that. simple fucking things i ask you for.

who knows what the fuck is going on.

you don’t give a shit about helping me.

i try to help you and it blows up in my face.

fuck you.

i hate this.

i hate that i feel all these things with you.

i want to not give a shit too.

i hate that you don’t listen.

i hate that you don’t care.

i hate that everything you say sounds like a fucking script and forced.

i hate forcing you to say nice things.

i hate that you don’t want to do those things naturally.

it’s not just me. and it’s not something everyone goes through.

i hate your vagueness.

it’s not okay.

you have to change too.

and if you don’t grow into a bigger person then fuck you.

i won’t be the only one that changes.

that’s not fucking fair.

don’t act all fucking better than me.

i know that if this ended you wouldn’t give a fucking shit.

you’d just move on because it’s a fucking fact.

why can’t you show some fucking emotion other than anger and apathy.

oh wait. apathy is the fucking lack of caring. that’s not an emotion.

so just anger then.

do you even want this to fucking work? or are you waiting for me to get fed up so you don’t have to go back on your word?

i FUCKING HATE FEELING THIS WAY.

I FUCKING HATE THAT YOU AREN’T THERE FOR ME

I FUCKING HATE THAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED YOU WOULD NOT BE AVAILABLE

i hate that i think you could be taking such advantage of me.

someone could be with you and i would “never know”

i fucking hate that you are so ambivalent.

you think i’m so weird. well that’s fucking vague.

you challenge people all day. and hate being challenged.

i hate that work always comes first.

i hate that you can’t make me any sort of priority.

i hate that you like it when i pull away and i can’t stand it.

i hate that you probably enjoy the company of other people more than mine.

i hate the way you’re closed off.

i can’t think of anything good.

i hate that too.

YOU DON’T FUCKING CARE. YOU CAN’T EVEN TEXT ME BACK WHEN I NEED YOU. YOU WOULD RATHER JUST PRETEND NONE OF THIS EVEN FUCKING HAPPENED. WHO FUCKING KNOWS IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE. BUT HOPEFULLY IF YOU DID YOU WOULD JUST FUCKING DUMP ME. BECAUSE EVEN DESPITE ALL THIS I HOPE THAT YOU’RE NOT A COWARD. OR CRUEL.

i just think you don’t care. you’re too tired too busy too distracted too preoccupied. things are too important too urgent too much more in the now.

you don’t even tell the whole truth. you;re the one that says you believe in lies of omission. what else do you fucking leave out.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

is there anything left of me

is there anything good left for you to see in me

this is all wrong.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s