Up, again

If this is what it feels like when you tell the truth and someone doubts you, then I’m way more fucked up than I thought.

It doesn’t feel good. And I can honestly say, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this before.

I know the truth and I’m telling it. You don’t believe me. Where do we go from here? There’s nothing I can say that I haven’t already said that will help you see the truth from my eyes. Are we at impasse? (Am I using that correctly…?)

“I apologize for the wrong things” “I ask the wrong questions” “I ask too many questions” “I pry too much” “I want to know too much” “I want to be too involved”

I don’t know who else to be than me. I don’t know how else to act but as myself.

I just re-read a lot of what I posted in the past month or so. I’m really harsh. Much harsher than I feel now. Or even hours after posting. Residual anxiety. Residual panic.

I won’t ever want to rebuke you for doubting me. Or for being insecure in me for that matter. I try not to be a hypocrite. I know how it feels to doubt what someone is saying. And usually I have to try very hard to reign it all in. I only beg the question: Why would I lie to you? What motivation would I have? It’s something you’d have to answer on your own.

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just relax and be trusting?”

Of course.

I’m letting myself get on a tangent about my own issues.

 

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