Dear Andrew

I didn’t say I had to call you to ask you something. I just asked for you to call me.

You assumed.

And you don’t make talking to me or communicating to me at all a priority.

Going to the store with Joe …why is that such a pressing situation in which you aren’t able to take time out to talk to me?

We haven’t talked in days. You’ve dropped off almost every conversation we’ve had through text abruptly without explanation or consideration.

You selfishly don’t consider my feelings in this while all I do every day is consider yours. I push aside my desire to talk to you to text you to bug you to tell you things because I know you’re busy and preoccupied. I put aside what I want and need for you. But you don’t do the same. If you don’t want to then maybe you don’t want this. I hate to make it so dramatic, but it’s been a problem. And you don’t work on it. At least not long-term. It works out for a month and then it’s back to the same old thing.

“If it’s going to be like this every time I call you then I am not going to call you”

Well, yeah, if you every time you call me you are immediately ready to hang up and have a mere five minute to talk then it’s going to be like this. Because what I’m asking for is TIME. I’m asking for you to be kind and THINK. Not about what you want. Not about what you need. Not about how this all makes you feel. THINK about what you say to me, how you say it, why you say it. And ASK yourself, does this really work? Do you do what you can to make this work or do you expect me to endlessly accommodate you? Do you do as much as you ask ME to do to make this work? Do you think you’re perfect and without cause for criticism?

I have to ask myself what hurts the most. Is it that you don’t talk to me? Is it that you don’t need me? Is it a fear that everything can change at any moment? Is it insecurity? Is it you didn’t invite me to your dinner? Is it that you don’t tell me things? Is it uncertainty? Is it my own uncertainty? Is it fear that this isn’t what I want? Is it simply that I miss you? Is it just hormones? Is it other stresses?

Or is it that I haven’t felt that feeling. That indescribable warm comforting fuzzy fluttery feeling. That feeling that threatens to burst out of me in the form of laughter and smiles and happiness. I’m scared. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I’m happy. Is that the source of my dissatisfaction and unhappiness? Coupled with not feeling it from you either…it doubles into insecurity that I can’t explain. If I don’t know something so basic about myself…how do I figure out everything else? Am I caught in a routine in comfort in not knowing how to not be here?

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