The Telephone

I don’t really like being on the telephone. Usually, as soon as I answer (or if I call, as soon as the other person answers) I am already itching to hang up. I am not sure why, just…that’s how it’s been for a long time.

Relevant sidebar: when I was in a LDR with Cameron, hanging up the phone gave me anxiety. I HATED, positively HATED the tone sound that came on when the someone hangs up before you. You know the sound? HATED it. It made me sad, angry, nervous, insecure. I couldn’t shake that feeling of rejection. So, moving forward, I tried to always hang up first. Or pull the phone away and hang up so as to minimize the risk of listening to that stupid tone.

I just hung up with Andrew. I like being on the phone with him. Especially after a long day of texting. But the feelings of anxiety are still there when it comes time to hang up the phone. I don’t know if it’s because he usually wants to hang up first or because he doesn’t really call me or because it feels like he doesn’t want to be on the phone with me. It upsets me. And leads to my feeling insecure and sad. It feels like rejection. I don’t know why he can’t stand to be on the phone with me. We’ve talked about it before…and I don’t know if he sees “the point” of being on the phone – the connection I want just hearing his voice and talking to him in real time. Even if we’re not discussing anything important.

Blah.

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