masochist

mas·och·ist

[mas-uh-kist] 

noun

1.

Psychiatry . a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one’s suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2.

a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3.

a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness,etc.
————-
i’m gonna go with the second definition. and maybe the third.
seriosly. i’m a gltton for punishment. if yo seek yo will find. i jst look and see what i don’t want to actally see. and pset myself and want to throw up. the way he was looking at her. and touching her. fck that shit. i want to vomit. disgsting. i wish i could rip it out of my head. i wish i had never seen any of it. it makes my chest tight and i want to break something.
i don’t want to keep pnishing yo for this. yo woldn’t pnish me if our positions were reversed. i can’t right now though.
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