july 23, 2012

dear andrew,

(excse the lack of u’s)

firstly, i hate post poning conversations becase i always forget half of what i wanted to say and felt so strongly abot at the time of the initial conversation and feel cheated ot of flly expressing myself. bt…onward..

“it’s jst a text message” sre it’s jst a text message. bt in our case… it’s not jst a text message. when i don’t see you for up to a week at a time, texts and calls are all we’ve got. it’s little to hinge a relationship on. it’s little to maintain a relationship with. it’s “jst” a text message to yo, bt not to me. it’s more than that. it signifies more than that to me. i’ve tried to convey this to you.

i’m happy with you. previously, your argment has been that i’m not happy. and i sppose that i’ve always assmed and interpreted that the qestion of “happiness” or “unhappiness” referred to my satisfaction with you. bt now i see that was a limited assessment. i’m not happy with our sitation. i’m not satisfied with the relationship the way it is. i’m needy and emotional. i can admit that. i need more than this. i am unsatisfied with our circmstances. i’m jealos of others who get what i want from their relationships. i’m shortsighted in that i don’t see the effort, when made, on your part to see me, do things, etc..that i don’t see any desire to do more than either of us is capable of. this lack of satisfaction isn’t right. it isn’t healthy. it only grows…into resentment, jealosy, distrst, and anger. frstration for both of us. i never wanted to admit this. i honestly don’t know what keeps me going. i want more. it’s not that i need to see you every day. bt…i have needs. many selfish. bt that’s okay with me. i want to feel validated. i DO need to hear things ot lod. i don’t want to have to ask to hear that yo miss me that yod rather spend time with me. it cheapens the feeling when i have to ask. it feels like i have to drag that ot of yo. i want yo to want to say things like that to me. maybe that’s asking too mch. maybe what i want is unrealistic. i try so hard to convince myself that it isn’t a big deal becase i want this to work. and part of why this is so hard is of corse becase i don’t trst that yo (or anyone, i gess) feels the same depth of what i feel. that’s insecurity, not seeing myself as worthy or deserving of that. and that’s no fault of yours or anyone else.

it hurts immensely when i think of yo and that girl. this is a start of why: i learned years ago that it was fcked up, for me and for whoever, if i was to engage before iw as ready. before i was over him. it fcked me up. it fcked with whoever. i coldn’t do it unless i really was DONE. that’s what it signifies to me. that yo really were DONE. that there is no going back. there’s no taking it back. there’s no way to make things as they were. i can never feel the same. it lingers in my head. sbconsciosly we are not the same. it’s not the same between us. i can’t get it ot of my head. how can yo claim yo still feel for me and still do that. yo can’t. i can’t reconcile it.

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