Arrest this heart

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” – William Arthur Ward

A life-changing opportunity for him. I am beyond happy for him because I know it is what he wants and that it is a step towards reaching his full potential. I know that he will be amazing. It is rare that someone is given such an open chance to do what they are “meant” to do. He is my best friend and more than anything, I want him to be happy and fulfilled.

However, my happiness for him is clouded by my love for him. And maybe some selfishness. And by a sinking feeling that if it came between his happiness and our relationship, I would ultimately want him to take the opportunity to reach that potential. I cannot help but be pessimistic about how this will turn out.

I am apprehensive, doubtful, nervous and scared. I am very much in love with him. There are things I consider necessary; I cannot feel comfortable in a relationship that relies on indirect communication. Physical intimacy.

I will commit myself to trying. To adjusting. I have a heavy feeling in my chest.

He says that worrying and letting doubtful thoughts consume my thinking will sour the next two months before he starts the new position. He is right, of course.

What scares me? A move. An uncertain schedule. Less time than now.

He is committed to making this work. To him “work” doesn’t just mean “functioning”, happiness and fulfillment count.

He says that when he was first offered the position, his thoughts did not first go to its challenges, its opportunities. After the initial excitement (I am assuming that came first) he thought of our relationship. H was right in thinking I thought differently of his train of thought.

He says I am important to him. I am reluctant to ask him to quantify that. Not with numbers, but relatively.

I want to be someone’s priority. Maybe I have not yet reached that part of life.

I want him to share his feelings with me.

I want to know what we can do to make this work. He says he does not want to make promises.

A year in a month.

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