what am i afraid of
what makes me sad
what makes me nervous
what hurts
what triggers it

i don’t know where this comes from everytime
i just know it comes without warning
i’m fine, then i’m not

and it’s like a dam has broken and my mind is jumbled and words come out and i’m where i was two weeks ago. angry but i don’t know exactly why. upset but i can’t explain it. arguing. helpless. wishing i could be different. wishing i could take it back. not wanting to keep everything in i did that for too long. but this is just as bad. wanting to explain myself but it comes out wrong and at the wrong time. feelings i feel now won’t be there tomorrow. won’t be there when we talk about it. i don’t trust anyone else with these feelings. except my sister. and they don’t come out when i talk to her. i trust you. i want to talk to you. but maybe you’ve had enough. it’s not fair. i don’t want you to be the one it comes down on. but who else? no one. it’s not right.

today wasn’t the first day that hurting myself has crossed my mind. but it was the first day it was actually an option.

by today i mean yesterday.

i can’t do it anymore. you’re freaked out. i’m a mess. you say you love me. i say i love you. i don’t know where to go from here.

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