Firstly, this, THIS, is this what you call depression?
Secondly and finally, I explained to him (and for the first time, to myself) that the my insecurities manifest most intensely in my relationships. And…here’s a case of it. I can’t explain exactly why I’m so hurt that the night he arranges to sign Jonathan at the Crosby is the night I happen to be working. Maybe because it’s something social. That’s not just us. And I want to be included. I don’t know why I’m so hurt when it’s not even strictly social. He’s organizing not just partying. I don’t know why I’m so hurt when I am perfectly content sitting and doing nothing with him. Maybe it’s just that he’ll go out and do “stuff” with others and not me. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I never know. It’s irrational. I can’t explain it.
I can be honest here that I feel as if the union permeates almost all of our time together. Somehow everything loops back to it or organizing or the hotel or coworkers. I’m torn because it’s so important to me. But he’s so important to me. And there are times when I want our time to be our time. I want it to be simple and independent. I don’t want to feel like we’d have nothing to talk about if it wasn’t for that. And I don’t walways feel that way. I just get so frustrated and tired of that beign so so …everywhere I look. I don’t know what to do or think.
And on the other hand, our relationship isn’t something we can be open about. I guess that’s not even that important. It’s beautiful and honest in my heart and that’s all that really matters.
I’m so frustrated.
I hate being so emotionally volatile. I’m slowly moving back towards my first point. That I feel alone in what I’m feeling. I don’t think he’s bothered by any of this. I don’t know. He might be. It’s not fair for me to speculate like that. I won’t delete anything I type from here on out. A thought’s a thought.
I sniped at him. And immediately after, I wanted to take it back. It wasn’t a fair dig. Neither were the my snappy responses attempting to illicit a response. I promi know I don’t want to play games with him. And I can’t.
This isn’t helping.