Don’t

Requisite preface: This is in no way me telling you, or anyone else, what to do. Take it as suggestions, or leave it.

When I ask you, don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to tell me what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, what you want. Fear holds us back. And you can be tempted by fear to think that you’re going to lose by being open and honest to others. And what you lose by giving in to fear and keeping whatever it is inside and unsaid could be so much more than what you fear.

Those thoughts, feelings and desires that you are tempted to keep in…I won’t be so arrogant as to believe that I’ve felt them all, but I will say that I have felt a lot on the spectrum of human emotion. And thought more about all those feelings than I believe is average. I also believe that I am quite understanding. I’ve fought diligently to understand my feelings, my thoughts and my desires. To understand why, how and to what extent I have them all.

So I encourage you to not be tempted by your fear. To give in to what many would have you convinced is weakness.

I will admit that I may tease, chuckle or smile. But I will be the last to ridicule, laugh at or condemn you for opening your mind and your heart to me. I know how difficult it is. I also know how it feels to be reviled for it.

What I do not guarantee, however, to not have my own feelings about what you say. But that is not your concern. And I do not want that to be a factor.

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Sorry, not sorry

Unapologetic is attractive, right? So I should strive to not apologize or seek reassurance for things I have no business feeling out of place saying or doing. Right?

I should stop saying sorry for “bothering” peoplel if they haven’t said I was. I should stop apolgizing or asking for someone to excuse m for talking too much if they haven’t said that I have. I should stop saying sorry for talking too much or being too caring, right?

They can like it or not, take it or leave it. It is a codependent pattern to apolgize or seek approval or to offer advice. I should struggle against doing that, but it’s a personal struggle. And apologizing and asking for someone to excuse me for things that haven’t been made a problem.

Because…it just shows a sense of inferiority and insecurity and lack of confidence.

Conflicted.

So T. told me that he’s not “involved” with anyone else. But he “was talking to a couple other ppl”.

I am undecided on how I feel about it.

It’s not like there is something “definitive” between us. We established that. However, we also established that I would be honest when it wasn’t okay anymore.

I just don’t know how to feel.

Personally, I don’t have the energy, mental space or desire to talk to multiple guys  at the same time. But I realize that others aren’t as lazy or whatever as I am. I get that it is normal.

Old news

The past three months have been a…n experience.

Just to have a record of pivotal moments, I want to put in writing a few conversations I’ve had.

Firstly, with L. She pushed me really hard to find my anger. (Recall that she was the one who got me out of the apartment that first weekend) We were talking about work and she asked how I was doing. I went on a rambling babble about my suspicions about what was happening. Her response was unexpected: she swore, she told me she didn’t know what was wrong with me, if I was in denial or what, told me that what was happening was fucked up, that I deserved better. She said that if he doesn’t have the gut-no, the balls- to tell me the truth, then fuck that guy. It struck a chord with me because I had not really seen her react in that way about anything that wasn’t related to organizing the revolution. It struck me in a way that no one had up to that point.

Later that same day, C came and found me because I had been crying (after my talk with L). He caught me in the parking lot and looked me square in the face and warned me that I might get mad but he had something to tell me, the truth. He told me to look at myself. Look at what I’m going through, look at the state I’m in. He asked me if I though A cared about or was even giving a second thought to what I was going through in that moment. He asked me if I thought he cared. He told me that I needed to get out of the toxic environment of my apartment, find my own place and let him go. I just cried. I knew what he was telling me was the truth. It just hurt a lot to think about letting it all just..go.

Las Vegas. Las Vegas was a lot of what I didn’t know I needed. The intense days and evenings. The early mornings. The new setting. The different work. The new people. The responsibility. The friends, new acquaintances and strangers who have become so important to me. Ten days. In ten days, we made real organizing history. In ten days, we built relationships that would have taken years to build, or may never have been considered.

I am so so grateful for the experience. Not only because I was able to take a leadership role in our union. But because I gained invaluable friends, perspective on my own role within out union, and really let go.

Maybe it was being out of Los Angeles. Maybe it was living somewhere new. Maybe it was seeing that there are people to care about and connect with.

One day, not too long after we got to Las Vegas, I was canvassing and I looked around and it was as if blinders had been removed from my eyes. Things looked different. Felt different. I felt light and felt like laughing. I felt like I’d dropped a bag of weight from my shoulders.

I realized that it had been days since I had even thought about wanting to have a righteous, angry conversation with A about how I hadn’t done anything heinous. That I had done everything I could, the best I could to be a good partner and he had fucked up. I realized that I didn’t care. I didn’t have the ganas to have that conversation. There were so many other things I wanted to use that energy for. Positive things. Building. Not tearing down. And the feeling was relief.

I was so relieved to be done. To think of others. To think of myself.

Currently feeling: Sick

Sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick of feeling this way.

So. I found out from A’s mom that he’s been in Mexico since Sunday Oct 9. And he will be there for a few weeks. Then I find out via IG that Ayden is there too. Which just means to me that they are there together.

I wanted to travel with him. I wanted to go to Mexico. To Tulum. But he was sick. He couldn’t even travel to Texas. Or to Arizona. Or to North Carolina. He couldn’t. He couldn’t because he was sick. I didn’t have the flexibility because of my responsibilities at work. Would it have made a difference?

I realize that part of this is the stories that I make up in my head. I don’t know on what terms they are there together. But what I’ve told myself is that she’s fun, adventurous, pretty, outgoing, financially stable – she seems like what he wants.

He told me that he wants to be “alone”. He wants space. From me. But to me, that didn’t mean that he wanted to be with someone else. Especially a specific someone else. Even though he did lie to me about going out with Ori when he went to get dinner with her.

Is that what he meant when he said he didn’t want to do something “terrible” to me?

I also know that I don’t have a right to feel anything about this. And I don’t have a right to call him on any of it. We aren’t together.

But I do hold him responsible for what he said – that he didn’t want to end this aggressively and just cut it all off because that would be easier. Why? Because he cares about me. Because I’m his best friend. Because I’m his favorite person in the world.

It’s difficult to not hold him to what he said.

Because six years of being together, making our way together, building some semblance of a life together, he owes me honesty and consideration.

I am sick of feeling sick to my stomach over him. I am tired of being upset. Of feeling devastated. Cesar is right, I need to let go.

Last night, I was angry. I wanted to throw things, break things. I wanted to hurt. Hurt myself. Make him feel bad. I don’t know what I feel now.

I tried not to be jealous. I tried harder than he could understand. All he saw was when I failed. I felt insecure about her. I tried to get over it. I tried to rise above it by befriending her and telling myself I didn’t have to be suspicious or jealous of every woman out there. And then now? Now, again, I let some man lead me to doubting my own instincts.

Love isn’t enough. Especially when it’s not there.

“It hurts until it doesn’t. You think what he did will break you, but it won’t. You may not be able to sleep at night…but you will be fine. Numb. But…numb and fine are the same.” – Mellie

It seems so simple

Dear Andrew,

I am sorry. I never want to hear you speak to me that way. I never want to see you look at me that way. There was anger. There was coldness. A hot anger means passion.  A cold anger scares me. It screams apathy. I understand anger. I do not understand indifference.

It is in times of desperation that my thoughts start to run clear. I am so scared of you being indifferent to me. I want to know that you want and need me. And when I fail to receive those signals from you, I clasp at you harder and faster. Which only serves to have you push me away.

It seems so simple. Fix the problem by choosing to never act that way again. But it’s not that simple. It’s a struggle every day. You only see it when it surfaces. And still only that when it’s around you.

You love me. I need to trust that most of all. I am wanted. I am necessary. I need to trust those too. I need to understand that problems hurt worse when you love, want and need that someone. Because you want them, but it complicates things when you don’t want the bad situation they put you in.

I need to push myself to understand the signals you do send. And be content with them. Satisfied with them.

tbc…